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Happy new year, DeviantArt! Behold! The sequel to my short story from 2013, Hypnotist.
totallydeviantlisa.deviantart.…
This special familiar yet fresh story was written by me during the Christmas break since I have been thinking about giving being a creepypasta fan one more chance since the betrayal and controversies are hopefully no longer relevant. I recommend the premise to people like those who have had issues with creepypasta last year like my DA bro
and those who are willing to put the past behind them, such as the brave and inspirational 
. I honestly think this is more like a spinpasta because it's more therapeutic than scary, but I classified it as a creepypasta because it's meant to be a sequel to my old creepypasta. Tell me in the comments.
And NO! It is NOT supposed to be a fetish story! It's supposed to be about putting the past behind you!
And somebody hoped that the creepypasta fandom chews me up and spits me out again. Oh no! That's happened to be before, so I ain't gonna let it happen again. > : (
UPDATE:
Behold! A whole new photoshopped image of the hypnotist's jewel! This time, better quality and a blue jewel!
totallydeviantlisa.deviantart.…
This special familiar yet fresh story was written by me during the Christmas break since I have been thinking about giving being a creepypasta fan one more chance since the betrayal and controversies are hopefully no longer relevant. I recommend the premise to people like those who have had issues with creepypasta last year like my DA bro
and those who are willing to put the past behind them, such as the brave and inspirational . I honestly think this is more like a spinpasta because it's more therapeutic than scary, but I classified it as a creepypasta because it's meant to be a sequel to my old creepypasta. Tell me in the comments.And NO! It is NOT supposed to be a fetish story! It's supposed to be about putting the past behind you!
And somebody hoped that the creepypasta fandom chews me up and spits me out again. Oh no! That's happened to be before, so I ain't gonna let it happen again. > : (
UPDATE:
Behold! A whole new photoshopped image of the hypnotist's jewel! This time, better quality and a blue jewel!
Mature
© 2017 - 2024 TotallyDeviantLisa
Comments8
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This wasn't bad; in fact, it was a good attempt on an ambitious type of story. Stories where the narrator speaks directly to the reader are actually rather hard to pull off; they suffer many of the same flaws as Second Person Perspective, wherein they trade character development for immediate story immersion.
But, here are my main complaints:
-Just a personal qualm, but it's a sequel. Not that there is anything wrong with that and you've done well to avoid sequelitis, but generally sequels tend to suffer due to the reader having to read the original first. The best sequels are stories all on their own. You've done pretty well on avoiding this, but I still had to go back through the original just to ensure I wasn't missing anything while reading this one.
-"You realise that it’s the same corridor where you confronted an old rival, the one who tried to assassinate you during our previous session." This line seems out of the blue. Like I mentioned, stories like this suffer many of the same flaws as Second Person narratives. Immersion is absolutely important in these stories, and this is one of those lines where the immersion broke as I found myself uttering a flat 'what' the moment that I read it. Even reading the original, I had no idea what the hypnotist was talking about. An old rival? Tried to assassinate me? I could assume he's that theoretical killer from the original, but it still confused me. I would look for lines like this and make sure that a person won't feel out of place reading them - when writing stories like this, you want your reader to view themselves as the character, rather than creating a character in their place.
-There are spelling and grammar errors here and there; I'd put it through a spell checker, or use something like Grammarly. I'm not too worried about it myself, since I care more about plot.
I'll give a more in-depth review in time. Stylistically, it's solid; mechanically it has only a few errors here and there. It's not bad; it just needs a bit of touching up. (Also, both stories, by definition, are Spinpastas. They make mention of lost episodes and Slenderman and the like; that's not bad. Then again, my definition of Spinpasta is 'things that are blacklisted from the Creepypasta Wiki.')
But, here are my main complaints:
-Just a personal qualm, but it's a sequel. Not that there is anything wrong with that and you've done well to avoid sequelitis, but generally sequels tend to suffer due to the reader having to read the original first. The best sequels are stories all on their own. You've done pretty well on avoiding this, but I still had to go back through the original just to ensure I wasn't missing anything while reading this one.
-"You realise that it’s the same corridor where you confronted an old rival, the one who tried to assassinate you during our previous session." This line seems out of the blue. Like I mentioned, stories like this suffer many of the same flaws as Second Person narratives. Immersion is absolutely important in these stories, and this is one of those lines where the immersion broke as I found myself uttering a flat 'what' the moment that I read it. Even reading the original, I had no idea what the hypnotist was talking about. An old rival? Tried to assassinate me? I could assume he's that theoretical killer from the original, but it still confused me. I would look for lines like this and make sure that a person won't feel out of place reading them - when writing stories like this, you want your reader to view themselves as the character, rather than creating a character in their place.
-There are spelling and grammar errors here and there; I'd put it through a spell checker, or use something like Grammarly. I'm not too worried about it myself, since I care more about plot.
I'll give a more in-depth review in time. Stylistically, it's solid; mechanically it has only a few errors here and there. It's not bad; it just needs a bit of touching up. (Also, both stories, by definition, are Spinpastas. They make mention of lost episodes and Slenderman and the like; that's not bad. Then again, my definition of Spinpasta is 'things that are blacklisted from the Creepypasta Wiki.')